just because the idea hasn't been brought to the table doesn't mean there aren't valid reasons for bombing australia. no, they don't pose a global terrorist threat – they're not even mean people – and it wouldn't stop any war from escalating either. they just sort of sit down here not really bothering anyone don't they? "so what's the problem, mate?" you may be asking. well let me just show you:
once again i'm having foreign fly troubles.
we live right near the beach and so you might be thinking, "oh that's great you can go hang out on the on the sand anytime you want! maybe read a book, do some light exercising, enjoy some sport…whatever!" well i'm here to smack that naiveté right out of your dumb stupid face because it is impossible to enjoy any of those activities for longer than 2 nanoseconds without having anywhere from one to two hundred flies attack you and spit their gross digestive stomach juices all over you. try reading a book when you're constantly swatting flies away. try focusing on performing a perfect push up when the fly hordes take it as a moment of weakness and launch a full on offensive.
consider the following highly accurate and no-doubt scientific charts:
and these flies aren't your normal, friendly neighborhood flies. you swat at a fly in the states and it may try its luck one or two more times but eventually it gets the drift: you don't want it there and it's going to go bother something else. maybe a cow whose only swatting instrument is unfortunately attached to it's ass. but australian flies, either through tenacity or lack of intelligence or pure evil, will haunt you until you either give up, kill it, or go bat shit insane trying to get rid of it.
i have seen grown men on the verge of tears. i have seen them try and verbally reason with the flies, to try and beg their leniency. you may already be aware of the stereotypical image of the australian with the cork rimmed hat. if not allow me to enlighten you:
it's not only a fine fashion accessory, those corks are to keep the flies from ravaging that man's fiendish good looks. without this very fine and practical head piece folks are apt to perform what is commonly referred to as the "australian wave." some may mistake the australian wave as the flailing of a lunatic if caught from afar. it is however the best defense against the fly scourge. what you do is simply move your hands in a swatting motion around your face, sometimes smacking your face in the process if it means ending the life of one of these horrible creatures, non-stop until your safely indoors. and that's it. that's all you can do. because the flies have already won. in a land of terribly deadly everything flies are the most insidious, because unlike a croc or a poisonous snake, there's not even a chance of escaping the fly.
and that's why i am not necessarily suggesting we nuke australia – what sort of mad man would i be? – but consider the fly free empty slate that would be left in the aftermath. it's not the worst idea in the world is it?
yeah, it probably is.
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